Coping with the loss of a spouse.
After my wife Theresa died, I went through the grieving process which turned out to be incredibly painful. There were times when I did not think I was going to make it an I will be honest I really wanted to go and join her. I did not have the usual funeral I did not want to cope with that and the falseness that sometimes goes with it. I had a direct cremation and I got my brother to make a box for her ashes and I placed them in our meditation room after allowing those that wanted to come and share cake and ale with her one last time. I decided to keep a candle burning for a year and a day, that year was very difficult, so many tears. When the year and a day was up I stopped lighting candles. I did not know how I would feel about it but that night I had a dream that I found very profound.
The Dream
I was in a house wondering what I was doing there when an insect started buzzing around me. At first I tried to waft it away but it kept really close so I stopped and it landed on my arm. I then noticed that it was the most beautiful butterfly, I mean really beautiful more than I had ever seen. So it stayed with me for a while then as I walked into another room the butterfly was gone and I was holding a small child.
After this I was convinced that Theresa had moved on, transformed and was ready to, or already had reincarnated. This I found helpful as though she was saying to me, I am moving on so should you.
I did not go back down to the meditation room for some time, I did not want to fall back into that very painful and self-inflicted trauma again. So come the solstice I felt I should mark the event with a trip to the meditation room. I was scared to go in there for some reason but I have always been one to chase after what ever scares you so in I went and what greeted me was shocking. Such a strong smell of perfume! I thought she had gone but here she was, was I wrong about the dream, it had felt so strong yet here was the strong unmistakable smell of perfume, and there was no way it could have physically got there. I was confused. The next day I went down again and the scent was still there, though a bit weaker. So I sat myself down to meditate and this is what I came up with.
After transformation Theresa was not Theresa she was now pure Soul or Essence. To those that loved her she would be recognised as Theresa but she was much more. Theresa was transformed and was preparing for the rest of her journey. So what was in our meditation room? This was the life energy of Theresa that had built up over years and had been kept active in my memories, blessings and undying love. A ghost if you will. How long this energy of my forever love will linger I do not know. I would imagine as long as I feed the energy with my thought and feelings of loss. I do not think that the Essence will suffer from this energy being here and it will not hinder her progress.
I thought I was going crazy talking to myself now is it worse now I am talking to a ghost.
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